17 %....

The day of the diagnosis we were told W had 17 % chance of having something else wrong with him. 17% chance isn't a big percentage, but why does it always sit in my mind? Every time something unusual for W happens, I automatically think "well, here is that 17 % chance." His case just doesn't look like a typical case, and I just have this feeling that there is something else going on. Now is that mommy instinct or just me being paranoid? Will I ever know? Can I ever be at peace? I highly doubt it. I wonder if this is all because I still blame myself. I hope one day that I won't blame myself but I don't see that happening any time soon.

I have spent the better part of this morning (thanks Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Handy Manny) and last night while Bry was putting the boys to bed, researching various diseases. Trying to find what is putting W into that 17% category. *As a side note, does anyone know how to block any medical research tools from my computer? I have now researched Crohn's Disease, Celiac Disease, and the ever so scary Cystic Fibrosis. As it appears he has more than one symptom for each. Oh the joy! They are already running a Cystic Fibrosis test (well they will be once we take him up north). All this waiting around isn't good for me. I can remember just like it was yesterday when the ultrasound tech said it looked like their was something wrong with his brain. I remember how I tried to stay strong the whole way back home and how I tried to not cry everytime I talked to another person about what the tech said. But I knew deep down that when those 19 days passed and we got another ultrasound, they would find something. I remember spending so much time looking up anything and everything I could trying to figure out what the tech meant by saying those horrible words, "enlarged left ventricle". I spent days believing that this boy that I have spent months praying for would never make it to the world so we could meet. I spent days believing that this was all in my head and none of what was going on was real. I spent days just crying my eyes out knowing that I couldn't control this and weither I liked it or not things for me would never be the same. After those 19 days, I thought I would never have to do this kind of waiting again. But all those same feelings have come rushing back. I can't control what is happening to W and I can't fix it. I am the weakest person when I have no control. And that is exactly how I feel right now, WEAK!